Jiwang Self-Exercise, 19 July 2020
1pm – 2pm
During the lunch break, I decided to engage in a “Self-aware Jiwang Process / Experiment”. Perhaps it was the state of mind at that time or the infectious emotions from the collaborators. The song Bad Liars by Imagine Dragons was the earworm of the day, and it could have perpetuated a form of jiwang to manifest, which I wanted to go through the self-indulgent experience after witnessing the collaborators throughout the process. Upon returning to Rumah with my lunch, I had the impulse to sit alone / hide at the staircase and not join the rest.
Notes and observations:
- Was already feeling out of sorts, and was curious if it can be magnified / amplified by intentionally allowing it or self-indulging in it
- Experiencing jiwang through an English song?
- Is it a manifestation of jiwang albeit a different one?
- As I was listening to the song, there was a welling-up within
o Of sadness, depression, feeling isolated
- I preferred to experience it alone
o Callback to some of what the collaborators shared, who also preferred to experience it alone
o Perhaps as it was a moment of vulnerability that I wanted to be kept hidden
- Had the temptation to vocalise and sing along to the song
o Held back so as not to draw attention (why is that so; perhaps an outward expression of deep emotion that I barely perform when out in public?)
o I even looked up the lyrics to the song and hummed along to “let it out” a bit
- Was it due to fatigue, when there are lesser inhibitions and more reluctance to resist the natural urges?
o Being physically drained which lead to feeling emotionally drained, leading to a different form of jiwang? Is jiwang possibly present in either or both states of being?
- Did this jiwang body come into being willingly, or was it forced out from within?
oIs it a dormant feeling inside everyone regardless of demographic?